Today, while in the bathroom, standing in front of the urinal, something caught my eye. Curious as I am, I decided to investigate. Smeared against the wall, just underneath the handle, was the most hideously large booger just chillin’ there for everyone who needed to pee to take part in. My first thought: “That’s fuckin’ gross.” Second thought: “How the fuck did someone manage to get piss on TOP of the urinal?”

As a man you’re inevitably going to see/hear/smell some gross happenings in the bathroom. That’s life and I’m cool with that, but seriously, a nostril nugget AND piss on top of the urinal? Why? That’s completely unnecessary and shows that whoever did it is obviously not hygienic, and of course smooth, enough to ever get laid without paying for it. This goes the same for the guys who shoot snot out of their nose in public like it’s manliest thing to do. Grow up douchebag; we’re not in kindergarten.

I don’t recall ever seeing this, but, have you ever seen a girl pick her nose in public? If you answered yes, I’m willing to bet you wouldn’t bring her home. The same goes for you. If a woman saw who that booger belonged to she wouldn’t give you the time of day. Which brings me to why you sir, will not be getting laid. Stop the rank behavior and have a little decency. The only people you’re impressing is your retarded, virginal friends. Now, if you’re reading this and think, “This guy’s a dick and I’m gonna keep pickin’ my ass no matter what” then disregard this post and move on. You’ve got some porn to catch up on. For the rest of you, clean yourself up a bit and you might see a change in how women respond to you.

In conclusion, reason #36 of why you won’t get laid: You’re fuckin’ gross.

[Update – September 29, 2010] The enormous booger and urine spot have been removed.