There’s definitely two distinct sides to me when it comes to women. One side is the unsettling, anti-relationship side who wants to have fun (sex) with no strings-attached. Yeah, like pretty much every other asshole. The other, however, is quite the opposite. This side is the one who wants to settle down, be in a relationship and give my all to her. The trouble with these two sides is they compete constantly, sometimes confusing how I should approach a woman. Let me take that back. The trouble is, I’m not as experienced with the relationship side of me as I am the other.

See, I’m really good at being a dick. It’s comes a little too easy, just like the women when I’m in that mode. But it’s actually not that fun. I’m not a numbers guys so I don’t keep track and I don’t get the obsession of fucking to run the numbers up. Pointless. After a while of messing around without feelings an emptiness always ensues. I try to fight it but the only way to control it is to stop altogether.

As for the relationship side… That side’s an idiot. I have no problem starting conversations and meeting new people but when it comes to making the decision of whether this is going to be a hook-up or relationship and I opt for relationship is when it gets bad. At times, when speaking or texting to a chick I have a crush on I become a complete idiot. What are supposed to be jokes become awkward silences followed by an explanation of how that was a joke. I’d laugh at it if I weren’t screaming inside. Why is it so hard? I don’t think it really is and I’m making it difficult for myself. I think deep down I’m not sure if I want a relationship and I ruin my opportunities on purpose. If you haven’t guessed by now, I haven’t had the best luck with relationships and they’ve taken their toll on me.

I’m not sure if it’s normal to get laid easier than getting a girlfriend. It’d be nice if it were though because I’ve ruined quite a few chances with some amazing girls just by going brain-dead. Sometimes I literally blank out on what to say. Who does that!? I have enough to talk about for a lifetime so why is it that when I like a girl I can’t think of anything?

For example, I met a girl over the weekend who’s pretty, smart and sarcastic just like me. She can totally keep pace which is kind of hard to find. Things were going really well until I realized I could see myself dating her and I went from Smooth Criminal to Loser in no time flat. I’ve decided to pull back a bit and lay low so I don’t make any mistakes, which has already happened, big surprise. Seriously, why do I still drunk text? I suppose we’ll see how it goes with her.

Whatever it may be, I’m going to keep trying regardless of my retarded moments because I love putting myself in awkward positions just to see if I can get out of them. I’m really good at that.

No seriously, I’m REALLY good at that.

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