Dear Fake Breasts,

This may not be the kind of letter you’re used to getting but let me first start out by saying thank you. Thank you for making breasts that much bigger of a deal. No pun intended.

Throughout the years you’ve caused myself and men to stare in disbelief as you defy gravity as if Newton were an idiot. A truly amazing feat.

I know you’re used to garnering a lot of somewhat positive attention and I hate to burst your silicone bubble but the time has come to stop.

I’m sure, deep down, your initial purpose was to help women feel confident and more secure about their femininity and sexuality but throughout the years your intentions have become warped and, now, you no longer produce that admirable effect. Instead, you turn women against each other, competing for the attention of not only men, but other women.

And let’s not forget about overdoing it. You’ve somehow convinced an enormous amount of women that getting the extra 1,000 cc’s would be the perfect fit, making them ridiculously huge on top. Why? You know that’s not attractive.

Now, you may be reading this and telling yourself to pay no attention to my words because I am biased, being a self-proclaimed ass man but heed these words. Despite my love for a nice ass I do enjoy breasts as much as the next man.

With that being said, I’d like to point out a few great accomplishments that you’ve brought to the world in one way or another:

Anything cleavage. Whether it’s through turtlenecks (think about it) or a low cut blouse, you’ve made men extremely happy.

Push-up bras. Some men might be angered by this deceptive underwear but I happen to think they’re amazing.

I may have only been able to think of two accomplishments but don’t let that get you down. Those two are a very big deal and you should feel very proud.

All-in-all I hope you find this letter not as an insult but as a guide to help get you back to the way things used to be. But, if you’re too pretentious to think anything is wrong with you, know that no matter what you do, no matter how big you get, you will never, ever be as nice as the soft, bouncy magic that is the natural breast.

Yours truly,