Archives for posts with tag: kissing

angry guy yelling

That's how I felt on the inside.

It was about 3 years ago. I still remember it as if it was last night though. Thankfully it wasn’t.
I won’t bore you with details of how I met her but I’d like to add just one thing. I had met her years before this. Back then she was incredibly hot but we were both in relationships and never had the chance. Enough with all that. Here’s the story:

I should’ve known things weren’t going to be good when I had to pick her up at her work. Why you ask? Think about it. She didn’t get a chance to get ready. Or shower. Those things are important. You’ll see why further in the story.

So, I waited for her for half an hour as she finished her work. It was pointless to figure out ways of getting out of it. That didn’t stop me from considering it though.

If you noticed earlier in the story I said she was hot “back then”. Yeah. She wasn’t so hot anymore. My fiance and I had just broken up and I was holding on to my long lasting crush that had faded years back. I was determined to fuck this chick. I don’t know. Maybe I was trying to relive the past. Whatever it was, it was retarded. Back to the story.

After she finished work I followed her to her house so we could take one car and she could “freshen up” Looking back now, I should’ve thrown her in the shower. More on that later.
We spent way too much time at her house looking at random shit. Her place was a complete disaster. I’m not the neatest person in the world but she put a 13 year old boy to shame. I was ready for a drink. Or three.

The plan was drinks and billiards. Not too special but I did it for a reason. So I could drink and not give 100% of my attention to her. Classy.

When we got there things weren’t going too bad. I had hope. The chances were high for me getting laid. Read the rest of this entry »


Woman chewing gum

She knows what's up.

Toothbrushes aren’t that expensive. Neither is toothpaste, yet you refuse to combine the two at least two times a day. Gum. Buy a bunch and have it on you at all times. Don’t forget to chew it either.

Nasty ass, funky breath is a MAJOR turn off. You wouldn’t want to make-out with eight cans of shark shit would you? Neither would I. That’s what your breath smells like though.

I always have gum on me. You’ll see me chew a piece most of the time. Even if I’m at a bar. Especially if I’m drinking. Beer breath is gross. Gum and beer might SOUND gross but your breath is worse. Try it.

Gum disease isn’t that much of a laughing matter so if you have it then I apologize. I’d get that handled asap if I were you though. Still, gum helps. Listerine helps. Brushing helps. Get the point?

I’m not here to judge what you eat but if you enjoy the taste of shit you won’t make many friends, let alone boyfriends. Guys, this goes for you too. It’s directed more towards women though, because I’m not trying to kiss on a guy.

So please, for my nostrils sake, for your sexual life’s sake, and for everybody else’ sake in a 10 foot radius of you, brush your teeth and have some gum in your mouth at all time. Mints work fine too.

That is all.

If you don’t know about my experience with the female body at an early age then you should read that first. Here’s how my fascination with sex came to pass…

Part 1 to the life changing awakening

With everything that happened in the past, I hit puberty at a younger age than most and by the time I was 12 I was out of control with hormones. At this time kissing wasn’t enough; I needed more.  The problem was, the girls my age were too shy and oblivious to any other sexual act. I’m not saying I was some Casanova but I had seen my share of Playboys and soft-core to figure out what happened next. The only way I’d get any further was to score an older chick. Fortunately for me, a 16 year old, fully developed, girl(woman?) had her eye on me.

Now for the story’s sake and not to be rude, she wasn’t anything special except for one thing: she had amazingly large breasts (I can’t help myself, as you can start to see a pattern).

Being inexperienced and a little nervous I decided to play it cool. If I could be her friend while flirting, things would eventually progress in the direction I wanted. And of course, it did. I knew it would. You see, months before she had already put her hands down my pants and felt the goods on a dare. Despite that, I knew it would take some tedious and cunning effort to get it back to that point. After several weeks to a month of speaking on daily and nightly basis we had finally arrived at that point. We (read: she) were now comfortable talking about sex. Particularly, hand jobs and blow jobs as I thought sex would be too far of a reach.

After talking about doing things sexually, we decided when and where it would take place. After school, in the outdoor closets – which were more like sheds – where we stored our backpacks and other crap. *Slight digression – Do you know what it’s like to wait the entire day to finally have a girl touch your dick? It’s torture.* The school bell rang with the sound much like that of a slot machine signaling a jackpot. My dreams were about to come true. Read the rest of this entry »

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