Archives for category: Open Letters

This goes to that “special” person I know and hate on occasion, yet continue to be friends with.

I’ve wanted to say this for a little while now, but couldn’t find the right way to say it let alone the time, so here goes…

Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck YOU.

Why are we friends? I honestly don’t know.

I thought you were cool at one point but something changed… I can’t figure out what, but it felt like it was me and/or my imagination. It wasn’t. It’s you. You’re just a bitch.

Let’s forget each other and never speak again.

I wish I had the balls to say this to the person, but I don’t, so I’ll just ignore them for now…


Dear Fake Breasts,

This may not be the kind of letter you’re used to getting but let me first start out by saying thank you. Thank you for making breasts that much bigger of a deal. No pun intended.

Throughout the years you’ve caused myself and men to stare in disbelief as you defy gravity as if Newton were an idiot. A truly amazing feat.

I know you’re used to garnering a lot of somewhat positive attention and I hate to burst your silicone bubble but the time has come to stop.

I’m sure, deep down, your initial purpose was to help women feel confident and more secure about their femininity and sexuality but throughout the years your intentions have become warped and, now, you no longer produce that admirable effect. Instead, you turn women against each other, competing for the attention of not only men, but other women.

And let’s not forget about overdoing it. You’ve somehow convinced an enormous amount of women that getting the extra 1,000 cc’s would be the perfect fit, making them ridiculously huge on top. Why? You know that’s not attractive.
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