Sex In a Small Car

It’s been a while since I’ve shared a story of mine so here you go.

I was probably about 18 at the time. At my friend’s house. Watching porn. Yeah, looking back it’s slightly awkward, but that’s beside the point. Nothing homosexual happened so stop thinking it and let me finish this story.

A few minutes of this I realized that I could be getting laid. I called one of my “friends” to help facilitate this. We’ll call her Kim. That’s not her her real name, but you knew that. Blonde. Thin. Big breasts. Full lips. Great ass. Cool with just being “friends”. In other words, perfect. She arrived 20 minutes later. We resumed watching porn. A few minutes pass and I asked my friend for a room to take Kim into. Being a jealous virgin at the time, he refused. Fucking bullshit. He did, however, have a spare condom. Shocking.

I had been drinking so driving wasn’t an option. In retrospect, she could have driven us to my house and back but like I said, I had been drinking. I couldn’t think straight at that point.

Why Small Boobs Are Awesome

Absolutely adorable.

Two words: No bra.

How amazing is it when you see two small boobies in an American Apparel shirt with no bra? That’s a rhetorical question but if you really need to know, then, they’re amazing.

They’re little rays of sunshine in the afternoon after a cloudy morning.

They fit in your hand, in your mouth, but unfortunately, not in your pocket. Probably my only complaint.

I’m also a fan of small nipples and areolae and it just so happens that most small boobs have those. It’s perfection really. If you have small boobs, show those works of art off. Feel proud.

The fact that small boobs come in different shapes is the icing on the cake. The tear drop? Awesome. The perfect circle? Awesome. The always hard? Awesome. The banana? Awesome. The Hershey Kiss? Yeah, awesome.

I’d rather have small boobs as a pet than cat, dog or any other animal. In all honesty, I’d treat them better too.

And? They never sag. They just stay there all perky and happy as a kid in a candy shop.

In other words, I love them.

A Word About Cock Blocking

Elmo will cock block you. Here's proof.

The fact that I have to write this is amazing. Every guy, who’s ever been laid, knows about this unspoken manrule. It takes real douchebaggery to ignore it. Such is the case of a “friend” who violated it over the weekend.

Before I begin, let me tell you that I don’t care and I know there’s plenty of vagina in the sea, which is why I’m not going to get into what happened, but I will reiterate why this is a rule amongst men.

It’s a well-known, documented fact that just about every single-man is looking to get laid at any given moment. This is particularly true when going out to bars, parties and other social gatherings. Aside from it’s obvious meaning it also adds up to competition, one which is never healthy. Add to that the many reasons why guys won’t get laid and you’ll see why it’s hard for some to get laid, if at all.

Reasons Why You Won’t Get Laid: #21

There must have been a turning point in society making it acceptable to speak like a moron. Slang has taken the place of proper English and words purposely mispronounced. It may come from sheer ignorance but my guess is that it actually stems from a desire to be cool.

Presently, there’s a growing trend amongst guys who think it’s cool to write in the exact manner of which they speak – poorly/ghetto. I personally don’t mind if you write in the same manner of which you speak but not if you speak like a moron. Misspelling words for the sake of being cool is not only amazingly ignorant, it’s also annoying.

Why do guys think it’s cool to do this? My guess is they’re morons. If girls think this is acceptable then we’re all fucked. We don’t need any more idiots on this planet.

Everything we do has some sort of communication involved so if you make it hard for someone to understand you what do you expect to get out of life? Correct answer: Nothing.

There’s A First Time for Everything

It’s my belief that you can’t escape embarrassment while having a sex life. We all have at least one moment where we wish a particular moment didn’t occur, but let’s face it, those memories are pretty hilarious even if we never share them with anyone. Ever.

Luckily for you, I’m not like others and I love sharing embarrassing moments. Although I did mention it, this story is not about sex in the traditional sense of the word. No, this is about sex with yourself, or as the pros call it, masturbation.

Penises should come with a manual…

At around 13 or 14 (they’re both the same age to me) I had already experienced hand jobs and blow jobs from a couple of girls but still no orgasms or masturbation – they go hand in hand right? So, alone, watching late night softcore, I figured the time had come to attempt my first masturbation session. Without going into the details of how I came to get an erection I’ll cut to the chase… I had a boner so I decided to rub it and see what happens.

There I was, standing in my dark room, stroking away like a man possessed, waiting for something magical to occur. Penises don’t exactly come with an instruction manual so I wasn’t exactly sure what to do so I just closed my eyes, thought about boobs and kept at it. I figured I was doing something right because it felt pretty good and on a couple of occasions thought I was cumming so I stopped and waited for whatever was supposed to happen next. Nothing. Frustration started to set in after a few times of failing but my determination wouldn’t let me quit. I was told magic was at the end of this road and I needed to experience it.

Reasons Why You Won’t Get Laid: #36

Today, while in the bathroom, standing in front of the urinal, something caught my eye. Curious as I am, I decided to investigate. Smeared against the wall, just underneath the handle, was the most hideously large booger just chillin’ there for everyone who needed to pee to take part in. My first thought: “That’s fuckin’ gross.” Second thought: “How the fuck did someone manage to get piss on TOP of the urinal?”

As a man you’re inevitably going to see/hear/smell some gross happenings in the bathroom. That’s life and I’m cool with that, but seriously, a nostril nugget AND piss on top of the urinal? Why? That’s completely unnecessary and shows that whoever did it is obviously not hygienic, and of course smooth, enough to ever get laid without paying for it. This goes the same for the guys who shoot snot out of their nose in public like it’s manliest thing to do. Grow up douchebag; we’re not in kindergarten.